I often hear people wrestle with big questions, like “am I trans?” or “am I neurodivergent?”,
these questions often feel very emotionally loaded. There can be a mix of feelings like fear, excitement, confusion and grief. It is also common to feel urgency or pressure to figure it out and come to a clear and distinct answer.
It can be confusing when you look around and see stories of trans people who knew their identity at age 3 and had parents who gave them space to explore. The challenge is when only certain stories about gender and neurodivergence are elevated, and others are erased. I often think about how our communities sometimes tell our stories in ways that make sense to cis or neurotypical narratives, which can leave those with different stories feeling unseen or inadequate.
I want to propose a way of working through big questions that is rooted in self compassion and gentleness. First, I want you to know that you are enough exactly as you are. Your hopes and dreams and fears are human and valid, regardless of the identity label that resonates with you.
Secondly, I want you to know that there is no rush to figure things out, self discovery is an ongoing journey. Personally, I have gone through many names, labels, and identities and still am uncovering more about myself. Also how I present in the world can change over time and be responsive to my environment. That’s all to say, you are allowed to grow and evolve.
If you find yourself wrestling with a big question, regardless of what that question is, it may help to bring in some spaciousness. What would happen if you gave yourself time? What do you need to be in the discomfort of the question? (Deep breaths, calming meditations, a boxing class, groups that help you to be in uncertainty?)
Giving questions time and space to breathe can allow an unexpected unfolding. Start where you are, perhaps set a timer for 20 min and write down what is on your mind. Perhaps: What are you questioning? How does that question make you feel? Free write what comes up on both sides of a potential answer.
Then, take space, do other things. Maybe move your body, take a shower, draw, listen to music, watch your favorite show. Then maybe later you want to read some resources, and again take some space. This allows your mind and body to digest the information you are taking in. There is a lot that happens behind our conscious minds when we take space.